We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
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The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
The first matador
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Cats (2019)
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.