Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
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It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.