Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
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Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
So glad we cleared that up
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Received some very disappointing news today
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.