Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
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Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
My teenage children choosing violence
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I think this cat is broken
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked