My teenage children choosing violence
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“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.