My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
The legends speak of a third Duran…
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Fluff me with a fork baby
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.