So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
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13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Lmbo
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.