You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
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5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
*limbos away from your hug*
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago