Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
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I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
HR said no more nunchucks.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me