Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
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Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.