[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
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Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.