A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
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Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
every. time.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.