When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
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Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.