*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
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When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
iPhone X
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.