I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
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Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…