So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
You Might Also Like
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
What the dentist sees
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.