it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
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Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.