Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
You Might Also Like
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.