My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
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One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
This could be us but you eatin’
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.