These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
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Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
The government even made aliens boring
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now