IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
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Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.