Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
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I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.