The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
You Might Also Like
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
awkward
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Close call…
HR said no more nunchucks.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time