*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
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“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Going to church you guys need anything
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions