Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
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At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Still my favourite meme.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control