Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
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I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application