I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
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All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.