It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
You Might Also Like
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener