Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
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I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday