HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
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Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
One venti cheeseburger please.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]