NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
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When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
My dog learned how to text
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.