“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
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i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.