The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
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Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Same pineapple, same
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
this is 10/10 content no notes
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it