Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
You Might Also Like
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Autocarrot sucks!
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
cyclists
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Fiction has to make sense.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.