*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
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If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
mechanics be like
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.