There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
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POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08