Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
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I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
there’s probably a fee though
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
This checks out
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin