I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
You Might Also Like
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.