I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
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Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
They’re stuck in your pants?
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets