Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
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Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.