Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
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The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
is it earth
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great