Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
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In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
My work here is done
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Does beer think about me too?
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark