Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
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I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
i dont have time for this
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.