I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
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Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Breaking news:
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.