At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
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If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
These dogs look like they have good credit.