This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
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my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
do horses think humans are hats
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day