I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
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when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
I am crying
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?