ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
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Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.