Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
You Might Also Like
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
The devil.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.