@timdonakowski I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
@TheAlexNevil Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
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@timdonakowski 
@weathrgirlmarge Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
@o__0Dev Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
@natedog2049 What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
@UncleDuke1969 A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
@Julian_Deane We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
@Ygrene [Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
@sixfootcandy Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
@WilliamAder Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
@bingowings14 [creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.