How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
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If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
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[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
meanwhile over on facebook
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“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”![]()
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
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*serious situation*
My brain:
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Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.