How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
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My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Truth
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
I have a new favorite meme page
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!